2005-04-08 - 11:36 p.m.
There are times when I can actually feel myself changing to suit the personality of someone around me.
If I hang out with a stoner from work, I become more laid back and relaxed. My speech will actually slow down, almost unconsiously. My range of topics to talk about will narrow to "funny things I heard on tv commericals", and "how fucked up am I?".
If I'm around a person who I know has a quick temper and who I know will bitch at me if I say the wrong thing, I change however I'm currently acting to satisfy them and not piss them off.
If I'm around a group of happy people, I will become happy (for no apparent logical reason), just so I can fit in with that particular group.
I am a living sponge.
And this feeling just intensifies when I'm around Kate. She's so happy all the time and I'm so...
not happy all the time...
But when I went up to play Werewolf tonight I could feel myself changing around her. I went from shy and reclusive to making loud noises and elaborate hand gestures.
It was just the opposite around Bobbie. When I went over her house I could feel the tension brought on by mulitple children and overdue bills and I immediately morphed into the "Calm Mediator". I would listen calmly to her problems and my catch phrase was,
"Well, maybe it was like this..."
as I tried to explain another side of the story to her.
But now I'm home, mostly alone save the fact that Russ is asleep in the living room, and I don't really act "like" anything. I don't act happy or pissed off or anxious. I just feel...
blank.
Oh, I USED to know what I was. I USED to know exactly what went down with me and how. I had a skin that acted as a barrier between my lonesome, pitiful, loner self and everyone else in the world except Bobbie and Bryan.
But now that me and them are distant... It's like I've just discarded that thick hide somewhere...in some weird molting snake action, I've gradually dropped all my defences..
And now I'm just open to everyone. I'll talk to anyone. I'll stike up a conversation with anyone.
And apparently I'll change myself so they'll like me?? How pififul I sound.
I worry sometimes that people can see my little transformation act, and they are wise to it, and think less of me because of it..
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