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2010-10-08 - 10:24 a.m.

I've had trouble with falling asleep in the morning. It wouldn't be so much trouble if I didn't have a 2 year old alone at home with me, who generally just plays unsupervised if I fall asleep.

I've been doing well with not doing that for a loong while. Then this morning I get up with her and lay on the couch with her and turn on the tv. I dose off for about a half hour, and turn to see that she's dozed off right next to me, obviously needing more sleep. So I lay back down and tell myself I'll get up in a few minutes, I just needed to rest my eyes.

Two hours later I wake up again and she's not with me on the couch. She's in her bed in her room with her diaper taken off. She seemed fine, nothing seemed out of place, but I had no idea how long she'd been awake while I was still asleep and I was frightened and crushed and angry at myself at the same time.

I had to punish myself. This isn't even about the depression I've been feeling creep again after having a nice break from it for a little while. I had to punish myself.

It's just none of our knives are sharp enough. All I ended up doing is making it look like a person with dull nails scratched up my arm a bit. Looks kind of pathetic, really.

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