2010-09-21 - 12:59 a.m.
I'm sure sometimes, that I eat because I'm lonely. I just did tonight. I think I did. Or did I eat to ground myself again, after spending a few hours in the company of people who actually care about me?
I never want to be around anyone, yet at times I feel so lonely.
There's this girl I know on livejournal, Sarah. I started out idolizing her, then we got to talking and that fell away as I learned she was a pretty cool person. Now I just want her approval. I just want to talk with her, I want so much for her to like me. But I have little control over that, and won't ever really know how she feels about me anyway.
I feel so nervous, talking to her all the time.
I'm so glad she has no idea what I'm really like. Or does she?
I'm so full of insecurity right now. Nothing can cure me of this, nothing can help it. Not food, not cigarettes.
Not sex.
I don't even want sex anymore, honestly. I don't. But I can't tell anyone this, no one would understand it. I want people to understand things about me, want to show Sarah and Bobbie jo this diary and let them know things about me.
But I don't want them to know at the same time.
They probably already do.
I'm so shaky inside right now I can't stand it. Nothing helps it. I just ate four pop tarts and a sandwich nothing helps it.
I've stopped taking the St. John's Wart, for reasons unknown even to myself. I think about taking it, but my body just doesn't get up to do it. I don't care enough I guess. I know the longer I keep away from it, the harder it'll be to dredge up the self preservation instinct to start taking it again.
I've started thinking of suicide again, quite often.
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