2009-01-19 - 10:46 p.m.
I'm supposed to be okay with him looking up porn while I'm gone out of the house. What he does while I'm not around (as long it follows the general rule of fidelity) is none of my business.
Then why do I still check the history every time I get on the computer to see if he's looked up porn? Why does it make me uncomfortable when I find that he has?
It's not as bad as it used to be. I used to have a real problem with it, but I realized a long time ago that I looked at porn too and it was unreasonable to expect him to stop something that I'm unwilling to stop. Now it only makes me mildly uncomfortable, but the fact that it even does that to me still doesn't make any sense.
It makes me feel... wrong. Like I just heard a rumor from a friend about him kissing another girl at a party. It makes me feel like I should start a fight about it, make him feel guilty about it.
But why? I don't like feeling this way. This sucks.
It also sucks not being able to get HIM out of my mind. I thought I had put it behind me, but everytime HE comes over, every flirty touch and every exaggerated look makes me remember how much I actually like him.
But I'm not supposed to like HIM.