2006-11-28 - 7:39 p.m.
I'm still working at burger king. God almighty, I'm still working at burger king.
In a conversation I had with my father yesterday, he confided in me that almost everyone in his family has self destructive personalities. Most everyone of his brothers smokes, both his parents, and his grandparents do. My Uncle Kendal, his brother, has an alcohol problem as well.
I thought for a few minutes last night about what it was like to come from a long line of addicts.
And yes, I'm an addict. Not only to cigarettes, but to the general feeling of defiant self hate. "Fuck my body, fuck my health, and fuck everyone else, I'll do what I want!"
But what would it be like to break free of that? To be able to tote around the title of
"The First Chatfield to quit".
Well, actually.. my Uncle Alan quit first, when he was my age.
But that's beside the point.
On a lighter note, I'm married. I find it's much like being engaged and living together. Really! Before the marriage, when I would talk about the upcoming nuptuals, people would shake their heads and give me sidelong, knowing looks and say things like "Oh boy!", or "Enjoy it while it lasts!", or "Congrats....wanna strong drink?"
It's as if everyone expects life to end at marriage. I've found it to be quite the opposite. Me and Russ were married on August 27th, about 3 months ago, and life is really just beginning for me.
I'm just finding out what "budgeting your money" really means. It doesn't mean spending all your extra money on trivial things and then catching yourself just before you overdraw your account. It means... actually writing things down. Adding and subtracting..
Making sacrifices. Saying "no" to the movies and the Hot Topic at the mall.
The wedding itself wasn't that bad.. I was correct in my prediction; my mom ended up paying for most of the thing. But Russ payed for the church and my ring, so that's good enough for me.
The reception was horrible though, I'll come right out and say that. I haven't been able to admit it to myself until just now but.. I didn't like it one bit.
Except for the toasts from our friends. That was wonderful. Bobbie jo gave a little speech that included some inside jokes and a little phrase at the end:
"I hope you never love eachother as much as you do right now." Or something like that. I didn't understand at first, but I soon figured out it was supposed to be a wish for our love to never stop growing.
Honestly, she surprised me. Her involvment in the whole affair was amazing. Of course, I expected her to be involved, she was my maid of honor. But the way she tried to make sure everything was perfect from my hair to the train of my dress was just so cool.
But anyway, back to the reception.
It's hard to explain why I didn't like it. Maybe because I had neglected to invite to so many people that I thought wouldn't want to come. Maybe it's because the style of music we picked wasn't always the best for dancing to.
Maybe it's because we couldn't afford a nice dinner and we ended up serving chicken wings and sandwhiches to everyone. I was so nervous and uncomfortable I could hardly enjoy the food anyway.
Maybe it's because nobody really danced much and everyone started milling out early like it was some sort of company christmas party they never really wanted to attend.
I didn't like the reception because so much of it didn't seem.. fun. It was touching.. and memorable! I got to dance with my father, and he hadn't danced since he was a boy. He didn't even dance at my mom and his wedding!
But the only time I actually had fun was when I was doing the silly little dances like the electric slide or dancing to Price with Russ and Bobbie and Bryan and Dave.
I really shouldn't have invited all my stuffy family that I don't really know, or all of HIS horribly rich stuck up family that we never talk to.
I should have just been these people on the guest list:
Me,
My mom, dad and mary
Russ,
Bobbie jo
Bryan
Mackenzie
Dave
Mike
Sam
Amber and Wayne
Antoinette from work
Katie (I wish she could have come)
And Russ's grandmother and aunt.
That's it.
I loved the actual wedding though! We had a "traditional" catholic wedding, but with the mass omitted in respect to my protestant family. I loved my dress, my hair was done beautifully, my sisters hair looked better than it has in her entire life and my mom couldn't stop crying! I love my wedding ring and his, we handpicked and knew our priest before the ceremony, I had the best flowers our budget could buy..
The wedding was perfect.
The honeymooon was nice too. We went to pennsylvania and site saw, took advantage of the nice HUGE beds at the hotels, and were chased out of a perfectly romantic cabin in the woods by dust bunnies. We bought lots of new furnishings for the apartment with the fuck ton of money we got in lue of real gifts, and made the shopping spree part of the honeymoon.
After the honeymoon, things went downhill. We had spent too much, and had to dig ourselves out of a hole, but I won't go into detail on that since I don't feel like depressing myself.
What else have a learned since being married? I've learned I have a temper. Before I met Russ (and even before the marriage) I was never much of a hothead. My attitude was that of general distain for most everyone around me and a touch of apathy to boot. But now.. the littlest things he says can set me off. I also had a problem with hitting. But I've corrected that.
I've learned most people think of marriage, or any long term commitment, as something to dread. Something destructive. Your partner becomes like a bulbous tumor on your neck that will need expensive surgery to remove.
I've learned I don't share that belief. I don't see this marriage as anything but beneficial. Probably the only beneficial thing I've ever done for myself; spiritually, physically, and mentally.
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