2010-04-23 - 12:14 a.m.
I'm there again. I had a brief respite but I'm there again and it hurts too bad.
I'm not even sad, really, I'm not even depressed and that's what's sending up a million red flags. That's when you know somethings really wrong.
I'm thinking about killing myself as if it's the most sane thing to do in the world. As if it's the only out, the only answer, because I'm too pathetic to go on, really.
What's the point of living if you don't LIVE. And I don't and never really have. Maybe in small pockets of it. but.
I'm having some kind of insomnia.
I'm having some kind of madness.
I have to do it, it only makes sense. I'm calmly, rationally, thinking about ways to kill myself. I need to talk to someone about this but I can't figure out how without making myself sound like a pathetic whiny asshat.
WAH WAH I WANNA KILL MYSELF I'M SO HORRIBLE LOOK AT ME PAY ATTENTION TO ME WAH.
I'm seeing the picture clearer, and it's more terrifying than I could ever imagine. The sad song isn't being sung by a man, but by a beast.