2010-04-14 - 1:58 a.m.
"Okay you've been over eating way too much lately. I haven't said anything about it but now I really have to. You know I've been on you about this for 5 years now, since we've been married. I don't know if you're going for some world record on how much you can weight, but you're not breaking our couch, you're not breaking the bed, I don't care!"
or something to that effect, more or less.
I had a dream about shooting Georgia. Dream-me held her in my arms and she was really quiet, but still alive. The gunshot wound was in her side. I think. But I had the impression that if I just called 911, she'd be okay. But I didn't. And I thought of how they would catch me, take me away, and I felt a little panicked about being caught.
But in the end, I didn't call anyone. I think she died while I was holding her, I can't remember. I remember feeling so sad, so devastated, but I didn't pick up the phone.
So that, added on to the fact that I've been downward spiraling for the past...forever made for a very down day today. The fog, the fog, the misty fog.
Then that. (^) When I get home after working 6 hours and tell my husband I'm extremely hungry. Which I was. Even though it was 1 in the morning, I was starving.
I don't feel hungry anymore, that's for sure.
I've been thinking very seriously about suicide, today especially. God these words are fucking poison why do I even bother writing them?
We've got a bottle of old muscle relaxers in the medicine cabinet but I'll be damned if those wouldn't just make me vomit violently and end up begging Russ to take me to the hospital.
There's knives.
Yes. No metaphors today. No hidden imagery. No BS.
I thought about killing myself today in a way that wasn't just a passing thought. I contemplated it very seriously.
It would make perfect sense, ridding the world of trash, I suppose.
Except for Georgia. Can't leave her just yet, it would place the entire burden of her 24 hour a day care into my mom's hands, since Russ would still have to work during the day to pay for her. Would screw everything up too much.
I have to wait a few years. That's okay though. It's already been so many, what's another few?