2009-07-16 - 11:03 p.m.
A long time ago, when we were still a pretty fresh couple, Russ went away with a few of his friends to a cabin in the woods.
And, while there are plenty of scenarios where that could turn into some ultra sexy 'it-was-just-a-drunken-kiss-between-guys' thing, I wasn't thinking of that. (And it wasn't because of the fact that he was invited by his middle aged, fat, alcoholic friends and not the fantasy worthy ones.)
I was crying all weekend. As soon as he left I freaked out, and needed my own mother to come and calm me down. I was almost hyperventilating! When I had to go to work the next day, I could literally feel his absence. Physically.
I guess I was pretty head over heels for the guy.
Either that or psychotically co-dependent on him.
I'm reminded of that weekend trip so many years ago in the conversation that we had tonight.
"You're going BOTH days?"
"Well yeah. And sunday too. But Sunday is only a little half day, just a few hours. And if you want, you can go sunday instead of me."
"Mike said you'll be out till 2AM at least.."
"Yeah, there's going to be a rave."
I'm shaking with a feeling that... that I can't really identify. It's not really envy, or jealousy, or anger.. Just a nervous, selfish anxiety that I have to really WORK to quell.
I have to take a few breaths and type about it on this diary for a minute to feel better.
Sure it's come on suddenly (like just today, suddenly). But living with Russ I should be used to spontaneity by now.
Sure it's come at a time when we have absolutely NO extra money to spend. But Mike is paying for Russ's ticket and he'll be packing a lunch.
Sure I'll be practically alone all weekend. But Dave is supposed to come over tomorrow evening at least.
It's only Otakon weekend.
What the hell came over me, having a problem with it?
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