2006-01-30 - 2:23 a.m.
I've become so accustomed to going to bed with him and sleeping beside him.
When he falls asleep before me, and I'm left to come to bed later, I almost dread it. I almost feel like never coming to bed at all tonight, rather than come into that silent room and lie beside that cold, unresponsive body.
He doesn't like to be bothered when he's sleeping, so any thought of cuddling, or asking him to move is out of the question. I just have to find a place he hasn't taken up, climb in, and try to find solace even though he isn't awake.
My peak weight shot up to 370 or so pounds last year. I've got it down to 354 again, but not without almost completely changing the way I eat. I never thought I could change completely. I never thought I could *crave* carrots. I never thought I would eat salad. But 400 pounds loomed in the distance. The very near distance. And I didn't want to go there.
I think I might have bad circulatory problems with my legs. That would explain why they swell over my socks all the time, and have always been so tender to the touch. My legs have always been oversensitive to people just poking them and touching them, maybe it's because I have nasty, old, sagging veins and I'll die in the next few years, even if I do lose the weight.
Maybe I've pushed my body too far in the last 22 years, and there's no going back. Maybe I've fucked myself up so bad, no amount of homeopathic remedies or surgery could every help me anymore.
It's like, 2AM. I go to work 8 hours tomorrow, then spend 3 more in school. And I don't want to sleep.
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