2015-09-03 - 11:16 a.m.
I've had this thing for god knows how long, so I figured I'd keep up with it. Thought about deleting everything, because reading through it causes me a lot of pain, but then how would I remember anything? I've been reminded of so many things in the last few days. I couldn't remember being around when Lori was born. I couldn't remember ever trying to quit smoking. Over and over I tried, apparently.
Still haven't quit, but as far as I remember I've never wanted to.
I've been divorced for a while now. Ended up leaving Russ and going to my mother's shortly after the last entry before this. Thing is, and what I've recently told my therapist while sobbing my eyes out, is that I didn't take Gigi.
For the first couple days I just laid on the couch at my mom's house. I remember playing guitar hero alot, and just staying the weekend there.
So many things would have been different if I had taken her with me, if I had ignored his threat of not letting me take her and just scooped her up in my arms and stuck her in the car. So many things would have been different.
"I'm not letting you take Georgia."
In the end, he really didn't.
I think everything that happened after is the direct result of my cowardice that day. Because not only did he feel abandoned by me leaving him, but he got it in his head that I abandoned her to. I guess I did. I only see her on the weekends now.